Racking my mind ALL FUCKING NIGHT FOR YOU ALL.

Good morning, afternoon, or evening based on your various geographic locations (I like to be inclusive after all we all are human).

So, I spent last night mid-panic attack, slight heart palpitations, stressing about bringing you meaningful content and I basically have nothing. I ran ideas back and forth, I practiced content, I dialogued with myself (I do this often, I practice fake interviews in the mirror gotta be polished). While doing this, I realized I actually care about what I'm doing here. If you're going to give me your time I want to be of use to you. I want to relate and engage with an audience that will develop over time (as nothing happens over night). *In my Feels*

*Turns on Wiz Khalifa's- Who I Am*
 *hits metaphorical blunt*

You know what fucks with me a lot? Heart break. Not necessarily in the sense of relationship conditional love (which is definitely what humans practice we keep "conditions" on everything if we didn't how would we set standards? If you say you love unconditionally applause to you, but know behind your back I'll call you a liar and throw darts at your picture in my mental). I believe heartbreak has a way of forming us in ways we could never imagine. Take the most immense pain you've felt in life to this moment, reflect on it slightly. Remember when you thought, quitting, or committing suicide was the only option...yet you stand here today..means your mental state only got stronger.

My first dealing with heartbreak was at an early age, in the manor of my father not being around. As a child it wasn't really something I paid attention to, it wasn't something that I realized bothered be until I was well in high-school. But, imagine being 11 years old and having to relocate based solely on the reason of having no direction from a male influence...well a reputable one. The men I was around (while they were fair as in I wasn't abused by them) were mainly, drunk, drug-dealing, drug-using, porno making, womanizing men. A father that was nowhere to be found, who you were told died I desert storm (mom used to say that but I knew better) and having a mother that promised every year to come down and live in Texas who only got pregnant (with my dear baby sister whom I want to make a better life for and actually kudos to her father because he's more active in her life then my father was) and ended up staying in Denver, UNTIL YOUR GRADUATION DAY FROM HIGH SCHOOL WHEN SHE FINALLY MOVED TO TEXAS...I may sound angry (and that's fine by me) but I'm merely setting the tone.

I feel like I lost myself for a moment do excuse me
*Wiz Khalifa's Superstar comes on*

Honestly, I know my heartbreak as a "father"less child has a big play into the reasoning of why I wanted kids and why I am the man I am today. I swear I was the only 7 and 8 year old boy dreaming about marriage, having a beautiful home, and a lovely family...and this was due to that. I swore to never allow my child(ren) to feel the wallows of not having an active father figure that is there for them everyday. A big play why I held on to something that was broken and broke me (another topic if I even decided to talk about that shit). In a sense I think I have "father" issues, and I tried to create this utopia for myself to thrive in, I tried to create what I didn't have...a family.

Well shit, eh?

Well if there's a high-minded principle to this blog today it's; 
"Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breath in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it's breathtakingly beautiful."
-LR Knost (by way of a dear friend)


P.S. if you have a kid and you're a male or female that doesn't participate in taking care of your kid(s), you're fucking lam.

P.S.S Thanks for reading!

*Kendrick Lamar's A.D.H.D*