Misfortunes of life

I make plans without taking in to account the factors that life can throw at you. I seem too have this idea that there will be no hiccups while I'm given a pain free life and everything that I aspire to have. 

Reality is shit doesn't work that way.

Exciting moments happen in my life. It's not all pain and displeasure. I'm sure, there will come a time where I share with you things to make both you and I smile. But as of right now, I write to give me strength to carry on.

"I'm pregnant!" (Aha Life!) The greatest expression I have ever heard. For any man or woman who longs to have, hold, and possess a child, these are the words we live for.

Finally! The dream was coming true, I was going to have my family and at what better timing. 

During this period of life, it felt as if everything was going right. I had direction. I was happily engaged to a women whom I loved, I had a nice home, worked at Chevy (was making great money), over-all I didn't stress over much. I wanted for nothing but continued prosperity, and that indeed was coming to fruition. 

I immediately was engaged in baby names, scheduling times to go to doctor visits, reading and speaking about life with what was to come. I was engaged to the point that I went out of my way to remember the first BPM, which was 98 (she argues 96). I had never been more vested in something than I was at the time. After all this was, "the dream." I’d finally be able to correct what my father had wronged in my life, what was taken from me, I would be able to give unconditionally.

"Oh, you have plans? Well so do I."-Unexpected Happenings of Life 

**Jay-Z- Lost One**

 "So Now I'm child-like waiting for a gift to return//When I lost you, I lost it."

 

I remember the day well. I was beyond nervous wanting good news from the doctor. You see it was only our third time going in (it was still very early in the pregnancy) in our second meeting the heart rate didn't increase. We were made well aware of what this meant and what this could possibly bring about…a loss of life.

I don't think I'd ever prayed so hard in my life for things to go well (exception when I was a crane rigger. They asked if I was scared of heights I didn't realize how high they were talking. Let's just say Jesus and I were super tight). I asked God, I begged God. I pleaded with God for us not to feel this pain and to allow me not to be robbed of this one moment.

 I remember sitting in the room, cold, feeling nauseous, anxiously tapping my foot wait for the doctor to come and let us know things had gotten better and we were on track. Little did I know the latter would happen and my child-like excitement would come to an abrupt end. 

"There's no heartbeat, I'm Sorry." Fuck this resonates in my mind. It’s a constant echo traveling in a hollow endless valley when I think upon it.

Who in their right minds is prepared for something like that? Are you fucking kidding me? To just have your gut wrenched knowing the one thing you've ever wanted, the one thing you expect to have no hiccups in, that the one thing you needed in life would ultimately bring you to your knees. Despair ultimately devours... I fall to the bottom of the world when everything was in order and I loathe not being able to bare the pain.

**Kid Cudi- These worries**

These worries are heavy, 

They rest on my shoulders, 

My body wont let me fall victim no more...

Fuck. Revisiting feelings of past times in order to let go of them one entry at a time is painful, yet necessary. 

These are moment I can no longer carry around. They have built me and there's no need for myself to remain attached to them. 

To often, we rush to move on without expressing ourselves, which I feel does more damage to us. 

It's fine to process emotion and moments, I'm learning that now. 

Don't be afraid. 

Oh and excuse me for sort of jumping around. After all this is a Blog and not a book 

*Flames flicker* 

**Chip tha ripper-Movie**

I hope I was of some help today.

Till the next time.

Peace, peace, peace